In our busy lives, it can be easy to overlook the small moments that build and sustain our relationships. These moments—a smile shared across the room, a question about your day, a gentle touch on the shoulder—are what relationship researchers call “bids for connection.” Understanding and responding to these bids can transform your relationship, creating deeper bonds and lasting intimacy.
What Are Bids for Connection?
Bids for connection are any attempt one partner makes to connect with the other. These can be verbal or non-verbal, obvious or subtle. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, identified bids as one of the fundamental building blocks of relationship success. His research found that couples who respond positively to each other’s bids are significantly more likely to stay together and report higher relationship satisfaction.
Bids can take many forms:
- Verbal comments: “Look at that beautiful sunset” or “How was your meeting today?”
- Questions: “What do you think about this article?”
- Non-verbal gestures: A smile, a wave, reaching for your hand
- Physical contact: A hug, kiss, or shoulder touch
- Shared activities: Inviting you to watch a show together or go for a walk
The power of bids lies not in their complexity but in their frequency and how we respond to them. Each bid represents an opportunity to either turn toward your partner or turn away.
The Science Behind Bids for Connection
Gottman’s research revealed something remarkable: happy couples respond positively to each other’s bids about 86% of the time, while couples headed for divorce respond positively only 33% of the time. This significant difference shows how these small interactions build the foundation of relationship health.
When we respond to bids, our brains release oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” which creates feelings of trust and connection. This neurochemical response reinforces positive interactions and builds neural pathways that strengthen relationship patterns.
Our brains are wired for connection, and responding to bids satisfies this fundamental human need. When bids are consistently ignored or rejected, it creates a sense of emotional disconnection that can lead to relationship deterioration.
The Three Ways We Respond to Bids
According to Gottman’s research, there are three ways people respond to bids for connection:
- Turning toward: Acknowledging the bid and responding positively (“Yes, that sunset is gorgeous. Thanks for pointing it out.”)
- Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid (continuing to scroll through your phone without looking up)
- Turning against: Responding negatively or with hostility (“Can’t you see I’m busy? I don’t care about the sunset.”)
The way we respond to bids builds or erodes what Gottman calls the “emotional bank account” in our relationships. Turning toward deposits positive feelings, while turning away or against makes withdrawals that can eventually bankrupt the relationship.
The Neuroscience of Connection
At our clinic, we understand that relationship patterns have neurobiological foundations. Our brains form neural pathways based on repeated experiences, including how we interact with our partners. Through neurofeedback training, we can help rewire these pathways to create healthier relationship dynamics.
Neurofeedback is a form of biofeedback that uses brain activity to teach self-regulation. By monitoring brainwave patterns, individuals learn to control their emotional responses, reduce anxiety, and improve focus and attention—all of which directly impact how we engage in relationships.
A fascinating aspect of relationships is how couples’ brains can synchronize during interactions. Research has shown that couples in healthy relationships often exhibit similar brainwave patterns when communicating effectively. Neurofeedback can help couples achieve this synchronization by identifying and addressing patterns that disrupt connection.
Brainwave Patterns in Relationships
Different brainwave patterns affect our ability to connect with others:
- Beta waves (13-30 Hz): Associated with active thinking and problem-solving. Excessive beta can lead to anxiety and difficulty being present with a partner.
- Alpha waves (8-12 Hz): Associated with relaxation and present-moment awareness, crucial for attunement to a partner.
- Theta waves (4-7 Hz): Connected to deep relaxation and emotional processing, important for empathy.
- Delta waves (1-3 Hz): Linked to deep sleep and unconscious processes that can impact relationship patterns.
When relationship difficulties arise, partners may show dysregulated brainwave patterns that make it challenging to respond appropriately to bids for connection. Through neurofeedback, these patterns can be identified and rebalanced.
Common Barriers to Responding to Bids
Understanding what prevents us from responding positively to bids can help overcome these barriers:
Distraction and Technology
In our digital age, smartphones, tablets, and other devices can easily pull our attention away from our partners. A partner might make a bid while we’re scrolling through social media, and we might not even notice it happened. This “technoference” has been linked to lower relationship satisfaction and increased conflict.
Studies show that couples who establish technology-free zones or times in their homes report greater satisfaction and connection. By creating boundaries around technology use, you create space for more meaningful interactions.
Stress and Mental Health Challenges
High stress levels can make it difficult to notice or respond to bids. When the brain is in fight-or-flight mode, it’s focused on perceived threats rather than opportunities for connection.
Mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADHD can also impact our ability to respond to bids. For example:
- Depression can reduce emotional responsiveness and the ability to feel pleasure in social interactions
- Anxiety may cause overthinking about the “right” way to respond
- ADHD might make it difficult to sustain attention during conversations
Neurofeedback can be particularly helpful for addressing these underlying conditions, improving overall mental health and, consequently, relationship dynamics.
Attachment Styles and Past Trauma
Our early relationships form templates for how we relate to others. Insecure attachment styles can make responding to bids challenging:
- Avoidant attachment may lead to discomfort with emotional intimacy and missing bids
- Anxious attachment might cause overreaction to perceived rejection of bids
- Disorganized attachment can create confusing and inconsistent responses
Past relationship traumas can also trigger defensive responses. If bids were used manipulatively in previous relationships, you might be wary of responding to them in your current relationship.
Neurofeedback combined with psychotherapy can help address these deep-seated patterns by retraining the brain’s stress responses and creating new, healthier pathways for connection.
How to Improve Your Response to Bids
The good news is that with awareness and practice, we can all get better at recognizing and responding to bids for connection. Here are some strategies:
Increase Your Awareness
The first step is simply becoming aware of bids when they happen. Start paying attention to the many ways your partner reaches out throughout the day. Notice the verbal comments, questions, gestures, and touches that might be bids for your attention and connection.
Keep a “bid journal” for a week, noting each time you notice your partner making a bid and how you responded. This awareness alone can dramatically change your relationship dynamic.
Practice Mindful Presence
Mindfulness—the practice of being fully present without judgment—creates fertile ground for noticing and responding to bids. When you’re with your partner, try to be fully there, not mentally planning your day or thinking about work.
Set aside specific times each day for connection without distractions. Even 15 minutes of undivided attention can strengthen your bond significantly.
Create a Bid-Rich Environment
Not only should you work on responding to bids, but also on creating more opportunities for connection:
- Ask open-ended questions that invite conversation
- Share observations about your day or thoughts that cross your mind
- Create rituals of connection (morning coffee together, a goodnight kiss)
- Initiate physical touch throughout the day
The more bids you make, the more chances you have to connect—and you model the behavior for your partner.
Repair Missed Bids
We all miss bids sometimes. When you realize you’ve missed a bid, make a repair attempt:
- “I just realized you were showing me something important earlier, and I was distracted. Can we go back to that?”
- “I’m sorry I didn’t respond when you reached for my hand. I’d love to hold hands now.”
Repairs show that the connection matters to you and prevent negative feelings from festering.
Neurofeedback and Relationship Enhancement
At our clinic, we offer neurofeedback training that can directly impact your ability to connect with your partner. Here’s how it works:
Emotional Regulation
Through neurofeedback, you can learn to regulate emotional responses that might interfere with your ability to respond positively to bids. By recognizing and modulating strong emotions like irritation, anxiety, or withdrawal, you can choose your response rather than reacting automatically.
Neurofeedback helps reduce impulsivity and reactivity by strengthening the brain’s executive function network. This means you become better at pausing before responding, especially during challenging interactions.
Attention and Presence
Many people struggle with maintaining attention, which can result in missed bids. Neurofeedback training can improve sustained attention and reduce distractibility, helping you stay present with your partner.
For those with ADHD or attention difficulties, this benefit can be life-changing. As you become more capable of focusing on the present moment, you naturally become more aware of your partner’s bids for connection.
Stress Reduction
Chronic stress is a major barrier to connection. Neurofeedback teaches the brain to maintain a balanced state even during stressful situations, enabling you to respond rather than react.
By learning to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” state), you can remain calm and connected during interactions that might previously have triggered stress responses.
Integrating Neurofeedback with Relationship Skills Training
The most powerful approach combines neurofeedback with specific relationship skills training. This integrated approach addresses both the neurobiological patterns and the behavioral aspects of connection.
In our clinical practice, we’ve found that couples who participate in neurofeedback training while also learning and practicing relationship skills show the most significant improvements in their connection.
The Process of Integration
A typical integration might include:
- Assessment of individual brainwave patterns and relationship dynamics
- Individual neurofeedback training to address personal barriers to connection
- Couple’s sessions focused on recognizing and responding to bids
- Practical exercises to implement at home
- Follow-up sessions to reinforce positive changes
This combined approach creates lasting change by addressing both the neural foundations of connection and the practical skills needed to maintain it.
Real-Life Success Stories
While maintaining confidentiality, we can share some general examples of how this integrated approach has helped couples in our practice:
A couple came to us struggling with feeling disconnected despite living in the same house. The husband, who had undiagnosed ADHD, frequently missed his wife’s bids for connection, leading her to feel ignored and unloved. Through neurofeedback, he improved his attention regulation, while simultaneously learning to recognize his wife’s bids. They developed a signal system where she would lightly touch his arm when making an important bid, giving him a cue to shift his attention. Within months, they reported feeling more connected than they had in years.
Another couple faced challenges due to trauma responses. The wife, who had experienced relationship trauma, would freeze or withdraw when her husband made bids for physical closeness, leaving him feeling rejected. Through neurofeedback targeting her trauma responses and couple’s therapy addressing their interaction patterns, she became able to recognize her automatic reactions and communicate her needs. Meanwhile, he learned to make bids in ways that felt safer for her. They developed a healthier connection based on mutual understanding of their neurobiological responses.
Practical Steps You Can Take Today
While neurofeedback provides powerful tools for relationship enhancement, there are steps you can take right now to improve your connection:
Create a Bid Awareness Practice
- Set an intention each morning to notice bids throughout the day
- Take three deep breaths when you’re with your partner to center yourself
- Check in with yourself regularly: “Am I available for connection right now?”
Establish Connection Rituals
- Create a morning routine that includes at least one moment of connection
- Implement a “device-free dinner” policy
- Share three things you appreciate about each other before bed
Practice Active Responding
- When your partner makes a comment, respond with interest and a follow-up question
- Acknowledge non-verbal bids with touch or eye contact
- Express appreciation when your partner responds positively to your bids
When to Seek Professional Help
While self-help strategies can significantly improve your relationship, some situations benefit from professional support:
- If you consistently struggle to respond positively to bids despite trying
- If underlying mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADHD are affecting your relationship
- If past trauma is triggering reactions to your partner’s bids
- If you’ve established negative patterns that you can’t break on your own
In these cases, a combined approach of neurofeedback and relationship therapy can provide the tools needed to create lasting change.
Conclusion: The Journey to Connection
Responding to bids for connection is both simple and profound. These small moments—a smile returned, a hand held, a question answered with interest—create the tapestry of a connected life together.
By understanding the neuroscience behind connection, addressing barriers through neurofeedback and skill-building, and consistently practicing awareness and response, you can transform your relationship one bid at a time.
Remember that this is a journey, not a destination. Each day brings new opportunities to connect, and even long-term couples continue to refine their ability to make and respond to bids throughout their relationship. The neural pathways that support connection grow stronger with practice, creating a virtuous cycle of increasing intimacy and satisfaction.
As you move forward, consider both the science and the art of connection. The science gives us valuable tools and understanding, but the art lies in applying these insights to your unique relationship with creativity, patience, and love. Each positive response to a bid builds toward a relationship filled with trust, intimacy, and joy.
Your ability to connect meaningfully with your partner is a skill that can be developed—and the rewards of that development will enrich every aspect of your life together.
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